Feminism

Who Will Believe Me, If I Don’t Believe Myself – Kelly’s Story

Kelly contacted me to ask if I would tell her story. She has never told anyone before.

I believe you, Kelly.

 

 

(TRIGGER WARNING)

 

 

As a completely naive and rather lonely 16 year old I was invited to a boys house for dinner. I was spotty, had zero self confidence and was really rather delighted to be asked to such a grown up affair – the boy was in my year. I did not really know him. The week before I had kissed him at the only party I had ever been to and I was so shy I had got drunk to share my first kiss with him. After the party I remember he had been rough with me and had been feeling my chest roughly but I was very drunk (to combat shyness) …I made allowances…… I should have made a mental note there to avoid him but I felt so unlovable/ugly I didnt.

 

Instead I went for dinner, believing all would be well.  His parents were out which I didnt realise at the time would be the case.  Someone LIKED ME, I was so happy.

Instead he drugged my dinner, and I came in and out of consciousness to see him trying to penetrate me as I lay naked on his living room floor. He also was trying to get me to masturbate him.  I was 16, had never touched a boy, had no body confidence and was mortified. I was also drugged to the hilt and somehow stumbled home. Whether I lost my virginity that night I do not know – I also do not know if what he did was (attempted) date rape – though I suspect from the emotional after effects that it was.

 

So little was my confidence that when he bragged at school that he had shagged me, to his mates – I thought he has seen me now, I have to stay with him. He then ‘took’ me on my parents living room floor the next time, soon after, when they were home. That was my second (or was it first time depending if he did in fact penetrate me on that drugged night). I did not say yes that night either and it is only years later I realise how abused I allowed myself to be be.

I had no confidence and being a child survivor of sexual tampering, I think I subconsciously did not realise I could say no.

Thats my story anyway and I dont know, if what happened to me was rape or not, but not a day goes by when I dont think of the guy that did this to me and wonder if he realises what he took from me.